Light Summertime Pasta Salad

Follow Along on Instagram!

So we've had an insanely busy past couple of weeks. I was meaning to write a longer post about what we've been up to, and the many delicious foods that we've had the opportunity to explore, and enjoy. But I honestly just haven't had the time.

Between taking care of my daughter, and taking family trips to various vegan events, I've also had a couple of job interviews. Yes, I am finally going back to work after having been a stay at home mother for nearly four and a half years! My daughter is also starting pre-k in just a week, so we were busy touring different schools. So there's certainly been a lot going on in a very short amount of time.

Please wish me luck, as I've applied for a job that I would absolutely love! Being a wellness specialist at an organic market, and having the oppourtunity to work with people, discussing various supplements, herbs, essential oils, and all things holistic, and wellness related. Right now it really is a dream job for me, and it's for a company that I'm extremely passionate about, as they're highly committed to sustainability, and supporting small, local businesses, and organic farms.

So I'm definitely hoping that this is the job that I get.

I will absolutely be posting about some of the fun things we've been doing, and vegan events that we went to over the past two or so weeks, but I wanted to post something fun, and short first.

As part of our very busy couple of weeks, yesterday was our annual block party. It's an extremely fun event, as most of our neighbors are all very close with one another. So it's just one big party. And of course there's always tons of fun kids activities. We had this really amazing bouncy house this year with a giant slide, that I'm not going to lie, I totally wanted to hop on in, and jump, and play right along with the kids.

So it's basically like a giant potluck. Every house contributes a dish or two to the main center table setup. And I'm very honored, and proud to say that my pasta salad was one of the first dishes to go; it was gobbled up so quickly by everyone. No one likely even realized that it was a completely vegan dish, and pretty healthy to boot.

For the pasta, I used a spelt penne. If you're not familiar with spelt, its a European strain of wheat that's been cultivated for thousands of years. It's an heirloom variety, that many consider an "ancient grain." Though it is still widely used, and is the primary strain of wheat eaten in many parts of Europe, including Italy. If you travel to Italy you'll likely be eating quite a bit of spelt, and you wouldn't even know it.

There are many benefits to eating spelt over other types of wheat, even typical whole wheat that's normally found in grocery stores.

Spelt is a whole grain, and it differs from other types of wheat in that it's naturally much higher in both protein, and fiber content. Fiber is incredibly important for overall health. It helps lower LDL, which is bad cholesterol, and raises HDL, your good cholesterol. It also helps you lose, and maintain a healthy weight, and aids in digestion.

And of course, as vegans often get the age old question, "but how do you get protein?" Right here in plants! Yes, even wheat contains protein, and spelt has an especially high protein content.

Aside from that, spelt contains all essential amino acids, and tons of vitamins, and minerals.

People with sensitivities to wheat, or gluten often report being able to eat spelt without any issues. This is because of the way that spelt is grown, and cultivated. Essentially all spelt sold in stores is organic, and always non-GMO. It's also very minimally processed, making it much easier for people to digest.

Though, of course, if you have diagnosed celiac then you won't be able to consume spelt, as it does contain gluten.

Honestly, I went into the day having completely no idea what I was going to be making for the block party. I had been so busy leading up to it, that I just hadn't given it any thought. It was an extraordinarily hot, sticky, humid day, so I definitely didn't want to make anything that would be too heavy. I quickly thought about what I had on hand, and threw this little number together, and it ended up being a fantastic hit.

It tastes so light, and perfect for a hot summer day.

Bear with me, because I really didn't measure anything out for this dish. Like I said, I really just threw some things that I had on hand together, so as I was making it, it was all just based on taste, and not measurements. The benefit of that is that you can be really flexible with this recipe. You can add more, or less of whatever you like to create the perfect flavor profile for you. And honestly, it's so simple, it would be next to impossible to screw up.

Fresh Basil from our backyard garden.

Pasta Salad Recipe:

- 1lb Spelt Penne pasta, or pasta of choice

- Basil, cut in to a chiffonade (about 1 Cup after chopping)

- 1.5 cups Grape Tomatoes

- about 1/5 to 3/4 cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil

- Lemon Juice from 1/2 to 1 full Lemon

- Salt & Pepper to taste

Method:

- Cook the pasta according to the directions on the package.

- Cut your tomatoes in half lengthwise.

- Cut your basil in a chiffonade style.

- Drain, and rise your pasta with cold water.

- Add Olive Oil, Basil, Tomatoes, Lemon Juice, and salt & pepper to taste.

- Mix, refrigerate for at least 30 minutes, and serve.

Working My Way Back To Normal

      I say "normal," but in all honesty I'm still not entirely sure what that means. Do any of us? I'm nearly 25, I've been "abnormal" for the better part of my life, two decades, and I still can't even begin to fathom how my own mind is supposed to function; what it means to be like everybody else. The good news, I think, is that even most normal people feel the same way that I do at some point in their lives...at least I think.

I remember being in kindergarten, we only had half days in our school, and I had been in preschool before so it wasn't an entirely new experience. At that time our bathrooms were in the classrooms, but they were single bathrooms. I distinctly remember the all encompassing fear that I felt just contemplating having to close the door. The mere idea of it terrified me, I obsessed over it throughout the day, praying that I wouldn't feel that uncomfortable fullness indicating my need to go. Barely able to focus at my desk, my daydreams were consumed with every illogical, and unlikely event that could possibly take place, fearing my life would end. I'd look out of the windows for some reassurance, only to be thrust further into a state of terror, thinking that the oddly shaped clouds in the sky were asteroids on a collision course with earth. Everywhere I turned there was some hidden threat, lingering in the shadows just hoping for me to find them. In my mind there were lines on the grounds where I walked, borders which indicated "safe" or "dangerous zones," where I could or could not walk. Though the consequences of stepping into an unsafe area I wasn't entirely clear on, but I was certain death in some manner would be imminent. I was five years old.

Those are some of my first experiences where I can remember thinking, "Why can't I be like everybody else? Why can't I be normal?" Surely none of my peers minds were scrambling in panic the way mine always was.

I've repeated those phrases in my head, begrudgingly shouted these questions more times than I care to remember. I was afraid of everything, simply being away from my mother for any amount of time was a source of infinite anxiety, enough to send me into a tailspin of sheer terror. I was barely school aged, and having full blown meltdowns, panic attacks, on a regular basis. My mother was called to pick me up from school more times than either of us can count. I'm certain that at this time most of the adults around me probably believed that I was just high maintenance. When I finally had the opportunity to meet my first therapist at age 6, 

she told my mother that I was "attention seeking," and to "just ignore her."

      It may be silly, or childish, but I still hold a sort of resentment towards this woman for the years of needless suffering I endured, when it was her job to help me. It took nearly 10 years to finally be given a diagnoses, though it has evolved over time, Obsessive Compulsive with psychotic tendencies. Little did I know that my aunt was dealing with Schizophrenia at the same time. Mental illnesses tend to do that, stay in the family. As I got older I realized that I had been doomed from the get-go; every single woman in my family suffered with varying degrees of anxiety disorders. Apparently, I just happened to have landed with the worst case out of everyone. Lucky me.

Me, age 7

I think the one thing that all people dealing with mental illness understand is that there will always be both good and bad days, and our illnesses can tend to follow somewhat of a cyclical pattern. There's a very fine line that you balance on daily, and any small change or disturbance could potentially send you tumbling 50 feet down into a black hole of worry and confusion, scrambling once again to gain your footing so you can attempt to begin the long and arduous journey back up to your balance beam.

      This is the strange, and oddly comfortable limbo that I've found myself in over the past few months. Sometimes I only begin to regain my footing on the ground before stumbling again. Other times I feel as if I've finally made my way back up, not quite so sturdily perched upon my balance beam, before being abruptly thrown off once more. My tumble downward isn't always a surprise, nor is it always quick. There are times when I can see the decline as it begins, while it's taking place, I often feel powerless to stop it. Almost as if I'm not actually a part of myself, but some spectator forced to watch the madness.

Other times the downfall is so abrupt that it's as if I've been struck by lightening on a sunny day. 

So here I am again, somewhere in the in between stages of trying to crawl my way up. I've been gone from the blog for quite a while now, and the simple truth is that when I originally set out to create a blog I had this immaculate vision in my mind of myself as this put together, adult woman, someone that had fought through their personal struggles but had come out on the other side unscathed. I wanted to be the person who could give advice, who could be looked up to, a person who had it all figured out.

But now I'm okay with admitting that that's just not me, and perhaps never will be. 

Though I want to be clear, I am not trying to disparage myself, or be self deprecating in any way. None of what I've said is a bad thing really. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm okay acknowledging all aspects of myself. I'm at a place now where I respect that this is going to be a lifelong journey for me. There won't ever really be an "other side" to come out on. This is my life, an experience in learning, and in that way, starting this blog has actually been a really wonderful thing. It's beginning to feel like a sort of catharsis, which is what I needed most whether I wanted to admit it or not. This is now providing another tool to help me analyze things from a different angle. 

      So I may not be able to offer up all of the answers, or any. But what I can offer are my experiences, I can offer my journey trying to navigate through all of life's turbulence, and hopefully I can offer someone the comfort of knowing that they're not alone. I know that would've been incredibly helpful to me in the beginning, and probably now more than ever. Because the truth is that I feel alone,

ISOLATED,

and unable to connect with other humans on any sort of meaningful level. I feel different than others, I do feel strange, in a sort of ostracized environment, perhaps of my own making. But I need to reach out, even if it is in the most passive sort of way, essentially anonymous, but it's a step. 

Still to this day, after having dealt with mental illness for twenty-some odd years, I've yet to find anyone that can relate in this way. So perhaps now, through this blog, I'm trying to connect, to something. Maybe you're reading it looking for the same, or maybe you were just in search of some tasty plant based recipes. All I can say is that from here on out 

I am not going to attempt to be anything, I'm just going to be.

I need to shed all of my layers, peel off the callouses I've worked so tirelessly to try and hide. Talking about mental illness is a difficult thing to do, which is probably why it's taken me so long to finally get started. It's terrifying, I am terrified. The stigma surrounding these types of illnesses are very real, they run deep, and I experience it from others on a nearly daily basis. My own family, as loving and close as we are, still have no idea how to even begin to handle it, or what to really think about it. Though I'm coming to the conclusion that the best thing I can do for everyone is to just open up, at this point it's a necessity, otherwise I may drown in my stagnation. 

So where do we go from here?

     Well I am most definitely still going to be focusing on holistic health, since that's such a huge part of who I am, and dealing with mental illness is what brought me to this place in my life. I will absolutely be posting recipes that I'm trying out, because I do love food quite a lot, and you can't be healthy without providing your body the necessary building blocks.

But first and foremost I want this blog to naturally evolve into a place where I can share my daily struggles, or my daily triumphs. A place where I can both laugh and cry, and talk about all of the wistful meanderings of my mind, while also discussing methods that I'm using to try and better myself and my situation. I want this blog to be a place where I can express all of the intricacies of life, so that's where I'll be taking this, starting with this post right now.

Consider ourselves reborn.

 
                                                       

                                                                   

Please feel free to come follow me on Instagram for random tidbits, updates, whimsical musings, but most of all mouth watering food porn. Light & Love xoxo  Antonia